The Smallest Carbon Footprint in the Land Read online

  ‘Alright, froggy,’ she said, ‘if kissing you is the only way I can turn you into a man-prince then I’m prepared to give it a go. But we won’t tell anyone else about this, will we?’

  ‘Pobblebonk,’ the frog-prince assured her.

  Priscilla picked him up and SMOOCH! She kissed him on the mouth.

  Then she felt herself shrinking. Her skin was turning green, her fingers, knees and toes were growing knobbly and her legs were becoming skinny and bowed. ‘Pobblebonk,’ she thought. ‘What have I done?’

  She stared at Prince Pobblebonk, who seemed much larger now. He was still a frog, but she had to admit that he was very handsome for a frog.

  ‘Pobblebonk,’ croaked the frog-prince.

  Priscilla’s eyes and skin felt dry and she was growing warts on her delicate skin. She needed to find a cool pond straight away. Without a further glance at the frog-prince, she plipped and plopped her way through the castle and across the garden to the pond. Then she did a splendid dive into the water and frog-kicked through the dead bulrushes to a lily pad. But instead of soothing her, the frog pond was stinging her delicate skin.

  As she climbed up on the lily pad, she could see the frog-prince slowly crossing the garden. So she did an enormous leap over the dead bulrushes and landed on the grass. She plip plopped up to him, and SMOOCH!

  She kissed him on the mouth.

  And slowly, in the enchanted moonlight, Princess Priscilla and Prince Pobblebonk changed into humans TOGETHER!

  The princess looked into the yellow-green eyes of the prince and decided that if it weren’t for his warts, he would be the most handsome young man she had ever met. But she knew better than to complain about his warts, because her skin was covered in warts too.

  Princess Priscilla and Prince Pobblebonk were married in the banquet hall, and King Walter invited Rupert and his family as guests of honour.

  The wedding guests all commented on how charming the young couple were, and no-one was rude enough to mention their warts.

  Then the princess asked her wedding guests to stand and sing the pobblebonk chorus in twelve-part harmony.

  Which everyone did splendidly.

  And their froggy friends joined the chorus too, singing,

  pobblebonk pobblebonk

  pobble pobble pobblebonk.

  The Three Little Porkies

  Once upon a time when wolves could talk and little pigs could build houses, three porky little brothers built three little houses.

  The first little porkie built his house from straw bales.

  The second little porkie built his house with mud bricks.

  The third little porkie built a house of stone.

  When the brothers had finished building, they sat down to discuss how they should power their houses. They talked for so long that they tired themselves out and had to go back to their homes for a little lie down.

  That afternoon, a big bad wolf dressed himself as a travelling salesman and knocked on the door of the straw bale house. ‘Let me in, little porkie!’ he cried.

  ‘Why should I let you in?’ asked the first little porkie.

  ‘Look at all the glorious sunshine we are having,’ said the wolf. ‘Let me in and I’ll sell you a set of solar panels for a bargain price. You can put them on your roof and power your house for practically nothing.’

  ‘Slide your business card under my door,’ said the first little porkie. ‘I’ll talk to my brothers about solar panels and get back to you tomorrow.’

  ‘Buy today, no more to pay!’ growled the big bad wolf.

  The first little porkie tip-trotted over to the door. He peeked through the spy hole and saw that his caller was not a travelling salesman at all, but a big bad wolf.

  ‘Let me in,’ growled the wolf.

  ‘Oh no, no, no,’ cried the first little porkie. ‘Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin, I will not let you in.’

  ‘Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your door down!’ cried the wolf.

  The little porkie did not open his door so the wolf HUFFED,

  and he PUFFED,

  and he BLEW THE DOOR DOWN.

  But when the wolf stepped inside, he found nobody home. For while he had been huffing and puffing, the first little porkie had slipped out the back door and had run to warn his brother.

  The wolf rapped on the door of the mud brick house. ‘Let me in, little porkie!’

  ‘Why should I let you in?’ asked the second little porkie.

  ‘So I can sell you a water mill,’ replied the wolf. ‘Look at this stream gushing past your house. You could power your home with its energy for practically nothing. Buy today, no more to pay. Let me in and I’ll show you how it works.’

  ‘Oh no, no, no,’ cried the second little porkie. ‘Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin, I will not let you in!’

  ‘Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your door down,’ snarled the big bad wolf.

  The second porkie did not open his door so the wolf HUFFED,

  and he PUFFED,

  and he BLEW THE DOOR DOWN.

  But when the wolf stepped inside he found nobody home. For while he had been huffing and puffing, the first and second little porkies had slipped out the back door and had run next door to warn their brother.

  The wolf thumped on the door of the house of stone. ‘Let me in, little porkie!’

  ‘Why should I let you in?’ asked the third little porkie.

  ‘Think of all the rubbish and poo you porkies make,’ cried the big bad wolf. ‘Your waste products release methane gas which could power your home. Buy a methane conversion kit at a bargain price! Buy today, no more to pay. Let me in and I’ll show you how it works.’

  ‘Oh no, no, no. Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin, I will not let you in,’ cried the third little porkie.

  ‘Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your door down,’ snarled the wolf.

  The three little porkies tip-trotted to the door and stood with their backs against it. ‘We’re waiting!’

  The wolf HUFFED

  and he PUFFED.

  Then he WOOFFED

  and he PFFFFOOFFED.

  Then he WHEEZED

  and he SNEEZED.

  But he could not blow down the door of the house of stone.

  So he climbed onto the roof.

  When the little porkies heard footsteps on the roof, they ran to the fireplace and hung a fishing net from it.

  Then,

  KER-THUNKA-PLUNKA-WALLOP-A-WHOMPER!

  The wolf tumbled down the chimney and became trapped in the net.

  And suddenly, the three little porkies knew how they were going to power their houses – they were going to use

  WIND POWER!

  Cool Girl and the Sensational Seven

  Once upon a farm in the Lanternlight Forest, there lived seven brothers. You could hardly call them big, but they were very strong from working on their farm. And because they never watched television or used computers, they had plenty of time in the evenings to practise their musical instruments.

  Boz, the eldest brother, played fiddle. Biz played second fiddle; Bert played guitar; Bart played banjo; Bib played ukulele; Bob played drums, while the youngest brother, Bub, played the comb and paper.

  One day, the brothers decided they should form a band. They argued for years about a name for the band, and in the end settled upon The Sensational Seven.

  The Lanternlight Forest was a hundred miles from the nearest city and the brothers were not sure how they were going to be discovered. Or when. But they were quite convinced that one day their chance would come.

  One snowy evening, the brothers sat down to a meal of pumpkin soup, roast vegies and omelette, and a dessert of apple pie topped with clotted cream. They cleared the table and washed the dishes before sitting down to tune up their musical instruments. But before they had started to play, somebody knocked on the door.

  The brothers winked at each other, think
ing that their band had been discovered at last.

  But when Boz opened the door, instead of seeing a musical agent on the doorstep, he saw a teenage girl with leaves and twigs in her hair. Her clothes were torn and crumpled, and she looked as if she had spent the last week sleeping in the forest. ‘Oh, please, you must help me,’ begged the girl, shivering with cold. ‘My stepmother is trying to kill me.’

  ‘That sort of thing only happens in fairy tales,’ said Boz. ‘You’re sure you didn’t just get bored and run away from home?’

  ‘I’m telling the truth. Cross my heart,’ she said, crossing her heart. ‘I’ll cross my fingers and toes too, if you like.’

  ‘I’ll cross my eyes,’ Bub offered, crossing his eyes.

  ‘Who is your stepmother?’ Biz asked the girl.

  She looked around fearfully. And, since she was much taller than the brothers, she stooped down to whisper, ‘Queen Gertrude.’

  ‘Queen Gertrude is your stepmother?’ shouted Bert.

  ‘Shh!!!’ said the girl.

  ‘Then you must be Princess Snow White!’ exclaimed Bart.

  ‘Please don’t call me by that name,’ she said. ‘I don’t want anyone else to know who I am.’

  ‘What shall we call you then?’ asked Biz.

  ‘We should call her Cool Girl,’ Bub suggested, uncrossing his eyes at last. ‘She’s so cool she’s shivering.’

  ‘I’m cool with that name,’ said the princess.

  Bert asked Cool Girl why the Queen had wanted to kill her.

  ‘Gertrude is the vainest woman in the world,’ she explained. ‘She spends hours every day admiring her own reflection in the mirror. But she hates getting old, and worries that I am more beautiful than she is. Then, last week I overheard her ordering a woodsman to take me into the forest, cut out my heart and bring it back to her.’

  The brothers gasped in horror when they heard this. Then they and promised the girl that her true identity would be safe with them.

  ‘How else can we help you, Cool Girl?’ asked Bub.

  ‘It’s blowing a blizzard outside,’ she said. ‘I would probably die if I spent another night in the forest. So I was hoping I could sleep in your cow shed tonight.’

  ‘We’ll give you some blankets and you can sleep by the woodstove tonight,’ said Bart. ‘Tomorrow we’ll seal up the draughts in the cow shed. There’s plenty of warm straw in there and you’ll have our cow, Buttercup, for company.’

  Cool Girl had not eaten for days, so the brothers gave her the leftovers of their dinner. When she had finished, she told them their food was tastier than anything she had ever eaten at the palace.

  ‘Surely not!’ said Biz.

  ‘Well the palace food LOOKS good,’ said Cool Girl, ‘but it doesn’t have any real TASTE. Not like your food.’

  The seven brothers grinned at each other smugly.

  Then Cool Girl noticed all the musical instruments in the kitchen. ‘Oh, dear, I hope I haven’t interrupted your music practice.’

  ‘Would you like us to play for you?’ asked Boz.

  ‘That would be sensational!’ said the girl.

  Cool Girl sat at the kitchen table, tapping her fingers and toes to the rhythm of the band. But half way through the tune she jumped up, shouted and waved her arms, ‘Stop! I can’t bear it any longer!’

  ‘You don’t like our music?’ Bub asked dejectedly.

  Cool Girl assured him she loved their music. ‘But if you had a singer-songwriter, you could be even more sensational than you already are.’

  ‘Where would we find a singer-songwriter in the middle of the Lanternlight Forest?’ asked Biz.

  ‘Right here,’ said Cool Girl. ‘I love making up songs and singing them. Play that tune again, boys.’

  And as the Sensational Seven played, Cool Girl stood up and sang,

  I don’t want to live in a palace,

  Don’t want to marry a prince,

  Don’t mind sleeping in a cow shed,

  If I can eat scrumptious things.

  For my idea of seventh heaven

  Is to sing with the Sensational Seven.

  So I won’t ride away on a right royal horse,

  ’Cause this band is sensational of course,

  Of course,

  And we’re gonna be discovered of course.

  Of course,

  For we’re sensational of course.

  The Sensational Seven put down their instruments and clapped and cheered.

  ‘Let’s call ourselves Cool Girl and the Sensational Seven,’ Boz suggested.

  ‘’Cause we’re sensational!’ shouted Bart.

  ‘Of course!’ said Cool Girl.

  She spent the next year living happily with the brothers, helping in the garden and orchards and learning how to preserve vegetables and fruit. She also learned how to milk Buttercup, and how to make butter and cheese, and how to cook the most delicious meals. And every night, she had the time of her life making up songs and singing to the music of The Sensational Seven.

  One day Cool Girl was cooking apple shortbread in the kitchen when an old woman knocked on the door. The apple seller was wearing ragged skirts and mittens, with a shawl over her head. ‘Apples, my dear. Buy my luscious apples.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Madam,’ said Cool Girl. ‘We have an apple orchard on this farm. We’ve been making apple sauce, pies, dumplings and crumbles for months. And we’ve bottled enough apples to last the rest of the year.’

  The woman pointed at an apple which Cool Girl was peeling and cackled. ‘You can’t eat that apple, my girl. It has a grub in it. Just look at that brown spot!’

  Cool Girl assured her that a grub in an apple is not a problem, for it probably means that the apple has not been sprayed with poison.

  ‘But look at this waxy red apple of mine,’ said the old woman, waving a crimson apple at Cool Girl. ‘There are no grubs in this one. Let me cut off a piece and you can taste it.’ The apple seller pulled a knife from her pocket and sliced off a chunk of apple. Then she held it out with her mittened hand. ‘Once you have tasted this, my dear, you’ll never want to eat a spotty apple again.’

  Cool Girl shook her head. ‘I’m sorry, Madam, but that apple of yours looks as if it may have been poisoned.’

  The old woman flew into a fury and chased Cool Girl around the kitchen with her knife, threatening, ‘If you don’t taste this apple, my dear, I’ll shove it down your precious, snow-white throat.’

  Cool Girl screamed for the seven brothers to come and rescue here, but they were away in the fields and could not hear her.

  The old woman backed Cool Girl into a corner with the knife. ‘Stop shouting and eat what’s good for you, my dear. Now open up your mouth good and wide.’

  Just then the cottage door swung open and in rushed a pimply prince. He grabbed the old woman’s shoulders and spun her around. As he did, the woman’s shawl fell to the floor with the knife and the chunk of waxy red apple.

  ‘Queen Gertrude!’ cried Cool Girl and the prince together.

  ‘You must be mistaken!’ cried the woman. Then she ran out of the cottage and fled into the shadows of the Lanternlight Forest.

  Astonished and relieved, Snow White asked the prince how he knew Queen Gertrude.

  The prince explained that a few years ago his father had nearly married Gertrude. ‘Luckily for me, she married YOUR father instead. Not so lucky for you, eh, Snow White?’

  ‘But how did Gertrude know I was living here?’

  ‘Well, word has got around that a sensational girl singer is living with a band of musos in the middle of the Lanternlight Forest. Gertrude must have guessed it was you, and she came here to get rid of you forever.’

  Cool Girl felt a shudder of sadness. She was delighted to have been rescued by Prince Percival, but now she felt duty-bound to marry him, because that’s what princesses do in fairy tales. Yet all she really wanted to do was to sing with the Sensational Seven. ‘So I suppose I’ll have to marry you now, Percival?’
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  ‘Oh goodness me, no!’ said Prince Percival. ‘Prudence, my sweetheart, would not think much of that idea. We are getting married next month at my father’s castle and we’re inviting everyone for a hundred miles around to celebrate with us. So I came riding through this forest, looking for the sensational girl singer and her band, so I could ask them to perform at our wedding. That’s you isn’t it, Snow White? Please say you’ll play at my wedding.’

  Cool Girl smiled, opened the door and shouted, ‘BOZ, BIZ, BERT, BART, BIB, BOB, BUB. COME QUICKLY. WE’VE JUST BEEN DISCOVERED!’

  Chicken Licken says the Sea is Rising

  Once upon a farm by the sea, Chicken Licken was scratching for worms when SPLOOSH! A wave washed across the barnyard and sprayed his fluffy yellow down.

  ‘That wave is a long way from the beach,’ cheeped Chicken Licken. ‘Oh, gorgeous me, this can only mean one thing. The sea is rising!’

  He ran to Henny Penny, who was nesting in a tumbledown barn. ‘Mum! Mum! Watch out, the sea is rising!’

  ‘Good-good-gracious me, my little chickadee,’ clucked Henny Penny. ‘You had better hop up on this straw and keep your tootsies dry.’

  ‘But that won’t stop the sea from rising,’ cried Chicken Licken, flapping his stumpy yellow wings. ‘We must warn our fine feathered friends that the sea is rising!’

  ‘Oh, yes, yes, yes, my little chickadee. That’s what we must do,’ said Henny Penny. ‘Oh, dearie me, the sea is rising. Wait for me, Chicken Licken!’

  Chicken Licken and Henny Penny rushed through the farm, squawking and flapping.

  They found Turkey Lurkey lurking in the ti-tree shadows. ‘Watch out, the sea is rising!’ they cried.

  Turkey Lurkey shook her red wattles and cried, ‘Horrible! Horrible! Horrible!’ Then she buried her head in the sandy soil.

  ‘That won’t stop the sea from rising,’ said Chicken Licken.

  Turkey Lurkey raised her head. ‘What will then?’

  Chicken Licken scratched the soil thoughtfully. ‘I don’t know. But we should try to find out.’